The voices are getting louder
despite the concrete walls shielding me from their sources.
The gazes are boring into me
despite the empty darkness of the room
Why did you say that?
A voice screamed over my endless mantra of
"Calm down!"
What if they interpreted a weird way?
Doesn't that make you more a disaster
then you already are?
A breath hitched.
The shaky hands hovering over my ears are doing nothing to stop this.
Did you hear the laughter when you entered the room?
What was it about?
A rumor? The way you dress? The accent you have?
Stop…please
Did you see the looks in their eyes when they glimpsed at you?
What was it?
Were they thinking…
"There's the weird girl who stammers when she talks."
"She probably aced the test again, what a nerd."
"Why does she always look like she's about to cry?"
Stop it.
Why can't you be normal for once?
Why is starting a conversation so hard for you?
Why can't you look at someone in the eye without panicking.
Why do you keep putting yourself through this when it's clearly uncomfortable for everyone?
Why are you even bothering to show up anymore?
STOP IT!
Slow down…
One.
Two.
Three.
What if they looked at me because it's natural to do so when someone enters a room?
What if their laughter had nothing to do with me?
I am dressed perfectly fine today.
I aced the test because I studied hard.
I am a good person.
But…
Their looks aren't lasers
I won't be penetrated by them.
Their waves of laughter aren't grenades
I won't be bombarded with shame.
This isn't the end of me.
The crowd of people making fun of me is never there.
Yet
They are always here
ready to tear me apart…
It's hard.
But…
I will breathe.
I will open my eyes.
I will bathe in the beautiful silence surrounding me
right now
at this moment.
I will survive.
After the crowd.
Poem by: Suzanna Chen (May 23, 2020)
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