Let’s face it, as hopeful as the increasingly positive response to mental health make us feel, there is still a feeling of discomfort whenever we attempt talking about the topic in real life. From the “Joker” to the homeless population that’s often associated with substance abuse, media portrayal and public attitudes helped shape the inaccurate and negative stereotype that plagues the words, “mental illness”. They paint the picture that mental illnesses are “dangerous”, and their victims are “useless”. In reality, most of the population living with mental health conditions cannot be described by these mere words.
Anxiety is so much more than being “overly nervous” or having low levels of stress tolerance.
Depression is so much more profound than sadness and laziness.
Substance use disorders are caused by so many more factors than merely “lack of self-control”.
Mental illnesses are so much more than “crazy”.
The list can go on and on.
Whether it’s for helping a friend realize that having mental health issues is okay, or for establishing yourself as more powerful than your illness, we need to find a way to start the conversation. Below are a few tips from professional resources on how to talk about this controversial topic.
1. Choosing your audience and environment
Since this is such a personal and potentially triggering topic, you should choose suitable audiences and an appropriate environment. For example, telling your friend that you’re concerned about them for showing symptoms of anxiety during a full-class discussion would not be wise. The ideal environment should be somewhat private, familiar, and definitely comfortable for you and your audience. To help determine if your audiences are at ease with the topic, drop hints – such as showing them an article on depression – and observe their reactions.
2. Consider your back-up plan in case someone doesn’t respond well
There will always be a chance that you’ve made a wrong choice in who you talk to. Your friend might shout at you for implying that he or she suffers from an eating disorder. Your classmate might burst out laughing when you tell them that you struggle with ADHD (Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). The point is, you should be prepared for all possible responses.
It is recommended that you drop the conversation as soon as signs of discomfort – such as diverting gazes and fidgeting – are present. Remember, just because you’re ready to talk, it doesn’t mean that others are. Depending on the scenario, giving some reassurance – such as “It’s okay if you’re not ready” – is also a nice thing to do.
On the other hand, if their reactions clearly demonstrate a negative stereotypical view towards mental illnesses, you need to consider whether it’s beneficial for you to be around them in general. Having someone impacted by the stigma near you can be harmful to yourself and your confidence to reach out about mental health. The rule of thumb is: if they make you feel terrible after the conversation, they are not the right people to confide to.
3. Start the conversation with “I” messages
"I" messages are sentences that start with "I", such as "I'm concerned" or "I've noticed". These messages can help you avoid the accusing or demanding tone that can come out unintentionally. For example, saying “I noticed you’ve shown less interest in drawing, and I’m a bit worried as you used to really enjoy it”, rather than “You’ve been drawing less, which is worrying because you used to love it”, can make your audience feel much more at ease. Also, starting with “I” messages lets you initiate and take the lead in the conversation, which is ideal because your audience might not be comfortable sharing at first.
4. Be careful with wording
This is a small gesture, but it can make the conversation a lot less uncomfortable.
Some examples include:
Saying “someone living with depression” instead of “a depressed person”
Saying “someone having trouble with substance use” instead of “addict”
Trying to address the specific disorder – such as anxiety – instead of saying “mental illnesses” in general
Saying “I’m here to listen” rather than “talk to me”
5. Do not push yourself or someone else
We all want to do our part in shattering the stigma around mental health. However, we should all make sure we are comfortable and ready before commencing the conversation. It’s not doing anyone any good if you push yourself over the edge. Similarly, even if you’re worried about a friend or family member, you cannot force them to talk. They need time and space to understand and accept what’s been going on with themselves as well. The best thing you can do in this situation is to show them that you’re always there whenever they want to talk.
6. Don’t worry about “messing up”
If you are like me, you would meticulously plan every word before you start such a meaningful conversation. However, the moment you look into someone’s eyes, the words fly out the back of your mind. You’re left stumbling over your words and cursing yourself for even trying to talk in the first place.
It’s okay if it comes to that.
The conversation is a big step for everyone. It’s impossible to be entirely rational when talking about such an emotional topic.
If you couldn’t say the well-rehearsed “I’ve been feeling unusually down for a long time”, it’s completely acceptable to just blurt out “I’ve been depressed”. Sure, it may not be the best way to get the message across, but you’ve already accomplished something that most people wouldn’t have the courage to do.
On the other hand, if you unintentionally trigger or insult your audience, make sure you apologize immediately and tell them that it’s never your intention to do so. It might take some time for both of you to recover from the incident, but mistakes are what make us human.
7. Don’t downplay or overshare
We tend to cover up serious topics with a light-hearted or sarcastic tone to avoid a solemn or awkward mood. If you find yourself saying, “Man! I feel like I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster lately!”, with a joking tone, ask yourself why you’re talking about this in the first place. You want your audience to understand that you’ve been unable to function properly because your mood swings so drastically between the extremes. Next time, try to tell them how you truly feel without the mask of happiness you’ve always put on. It will cause a serious mood, but your audience will understand that you need their help.
While you shouldn’t be worried about bothering someone by sharing your mental health concerns, it shouldn’t be the topic of every conversation or become overly personal. Part of the stigma surrounding mental health is that victims of mental illnesses are defined by their illnesses. You should show your audience that you’re the same person before and after the conversation. The mental health condition is not something to be ashamed of, not something to be proud of, it’s just something that you happened to have. Let them know that it does not define who you are.
Lastly, here’s a personal story that I would like to share.
I’ve always been open about living with mental health conditions. While I’m incredibly fortunate to be surrounded by people who try their best to support me, it is still evident that they see me differently after knowing my struggles with mental wellness. When I attempted to eat an apple in public, I felt their curious gazes burning into the top of my head - as my head was already hung low in anxiety. It was as if I could hear their thoughts, “She’s anorexic, right? Is she really eating an apple?” They turned away as soon as I looked up, but that did not stop the unreasonable shame from rising up my chest.
While the public is much more educated about mental health than before, the stigma still affects how they interact and support people living with these conditions. Starting a conversation about mental health with your friends might seem like a small and insignificant action. Still, nothing is too small when we are trying to change such a longstanding “taboo” surrounding that illnesses that are, sadly, becoming increasingly common.
Let’s, together, make the “crazy” talk not so crazy anymore.
By: Suzanna Chen (May 29, 2020)
Sources for additional reading:
“How to Talk about Mental Health Issues” by Rae Jacobson
< https://childmind.org/article/talk-mental-health-issues/>
“Supporting Others”
< https://foundrybc.ca/supporting-others/>
“How to Support Someone with a Mental Health Problem”
< https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/publications/supporting-someone-mental-health-problem>
“Discussing Mental Health Remains as Important as Ever”
< https://www.camh.ca/en/camh-news-and-stories/discussing-mental-health-remains-as-important-as-ever>
“How Should We Talk about Mental Health” by Thu-Huong Ha
< https://ideas.ted.com/how-should-we-talk-about-mental-health/>
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