By: Vivian Zhi
By age fourteen, I already had an unhealthy view of how relationships in high school were supposed to go. I was smart enough to know that most relationships in high school didn’t last, and if I decided to start dating, I would have to hide it from my parents and at no point in my life would I ever burst into a musical number to express my feelings. However, in grade eight, I created a “dating life plan” that would allow me to optimize my academic potential, increase my social life and allow me to have a bit of a high school romance. It was foolproof! Grade nine would be my year to make friends. In grade ten, I would meet someone I would be interested in, and maybe sparks would fly between us two. In grade eleven, I would put aside my romantic life to focus on my studies. In grade twelve, when I was finished with university applications, I would have a date to prom, and we’d have an Oscar-winning kiss, but no strings attached because we both knew that most relationships from high school didn't last anyway. It seems absolutely bonkers that I thought plans like this would work, but back then I was a bored fourteen-year-old who craved some romance to spice up my life and was tired of seeing all my female classmates but me being desired by boys who I thought were immature and disgusting and had no interest in. I know, I’m very contradictory. Sue me.
I’m not sure who to blame for my mentality, or if there’s anyone to blame. Maybe it was all the movies and books I read that promised the thrill of romance. And so I entered high school secretly hoping that this messed-up plan of mine would work, but knowing that I would most likely never get close to having someone I liked liking me back. I also entered high school thinking that I was only attracted to guys, and boy, was I in for a surprise.
Grade nine passed as expected. I made many friends and had a fleeting crush on a girl who I thought was too smart for me, so I repressed my feelings for her, and eventually, we drifted apart when we didn’t share any classes the next semester. In grade ten, I made more friends and I thought that would be it, but that all changed one October night.
To set up the story, I should rewind a bit. See, there was another girl I liked but didn’t realize it at the time. My crush on her seems obvious looking back, but remember, I was an idealistic idiot back then. The first time we really connected was on a bus ride for a school trip. We discussed Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda (should have been some major foreshadowing, but was sadly overlooked), and she introduced me to Hamilton, which would soon lead me to a lifelong obsession over musicals. We became fast friends since that day. There were times in class where I would look at her and think, I think I like you more than a friend, but the thought was soon followed by, there’s no way she’s into girls, or for that matter, into me. You’re just not that type of girl people would want to date. You’re still a dope friend though, so stick to that.
In grade ten, our friendship was still going strong. One day, we were at a friend’s birthday party where we were playing party games like Paranoia. One round, a friend of hers asked a question, and she blushed and delayed answering for as long as possible before saying my name. She flipped the coin (or rather, the drink token at the board game cafe), and it landed on the side that determined that the question would remain secret. Curious to know what the question was, I texted both of them after the party. (Her friend left me on read). I could see my friend’s texting bubble as she formulated a response, and when her texting didn’t stop after a minute, I put down my phone and figured she was probably texting a long paragraph. When I picked up my phone after changing into my pyjamas, she sent a long and rambly text about how she didn’t want to make things awkward and how she’s sorry for dumping information on me, but she wanted to let me know that she was bisexual. My response? “ME TOO!!!”
There is nothing more euphoric than a mutual coming out, where two people look at each other and say, “You too?” and the response is“Me too!”. That was also my first time coming out to anyone ever, so this was the most optimal response I could possibly receive. I quickly FaceTimed her, and we talked for over an hour before we switched to texting. Our conversation lasted deep into the night, but I never felt more awake. While talking, I confessed that I had a crush on her, and to my surprise, she felt the same about me. Turns out, we were two love-sick idiots pining after each other. How could this have happened? I thought that only happened in fanfiction!
From that point on, a relationship, an actual relationship, seemed possible. Zac Effron and Zendaya must have rewritten the stars in our favour because what was happening seemed to come straight out of a young adult fiction book. After two people admit that they liked each other, it’s natural that they start dating according to the laws of fiction, right? However, when she told me that she wanted to remain just friends, I sort of ignored that and thought, Yeah, yeah, that’s fair. It’s not like I can provide you with the typical “take you home to my parents” type of relationship without being disowned or kicked out by my family. But like, what if we did it in secret? What if this was like… a romantic friendship? *winky face emoji*
Since that day, my feelings for her were getting more intense. What was once an occasional daydream that I kept on the backburner became an ever-present burning flame of desire. And for a couple of months, she seemed to reciprocate these feelings too. All those times we exchanged glances during class, sat close together, went on “dates” that weren’t romantic dates but were just the two of us, that meant something to me. I was ready to take it to the next level as long as she was ready as well.
Not all emotions were the positive, euphoric ones associated with love though. I became acutely aware of jealousy, an emotion I wasn’t too used to experiencing. Whenever she was around but paying attention to other people, I felt left out which is completely irrational because I didn’t feel this possessive before, and she is entitled to time with her friends. Still, the heart rarely listens to reason (or at least my heart doesn’t).
A week before Valentine’s Day, whatever romance we had or could have had was thrown out the window. Over text, I told her that I loved her, and she told me that while she liked me a lot, she wasn’t ready to date anyone for a variety of reasons. This time, I actually listened to her and said I was okay with being friends, which is true because I’d rather be friends with her than not at all.
How did I feel after it? Well, it’s hard for me to put it to words because it turns out I’m really good at suppressing certain feelings (which I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t be too proud of). My first thought was, “At least she still wants to be friends,” which was followed by feelings of relief for not screwing up our relationship, and disappointment because I secretly wished for something more could have happened between us. Then my thoughts backtracked, I thought holy motherforking shirtballs, what if I did screw up our relationship?, and proceeded to text my close friends about it in a state of panic. Luckily I have some great friends who managed to assure me that it was not my fault and everything was going to be okay.
And everything did turn out okay. Admittedly, I was worried it was going to be awkward and difficult for a while and she was going to stop talking to me, but to this day, we’re still really close friends. There are days where I miss what we could have been, but I don’t regret how this situation turned out. There is a plenitude of articles out there saying that almost dating a friend is the worst type of situation to be in because “there is no closure”, but having lived through this experience, I can say that it’s honestly not that bad. You still remain friends with them, and hurt feelings get kept to a minimum. And those “10 Ways to Get Out of a Friend Zone articles”? I think we all just need to respect that no means no, not “convince me otherwise” or “change a part of yourself before I might consider dating you.” Sometimes, people not wanting to date you doesn’t have to do with you at all. Maybe they’re not ready to date, or they want to focus on their academics, which is totally okay. Being in a friend zone, though it may be frustrating or lonely for you, isn’t all that terrible because you’re at least still friends. There’s no need to be drastic and not be friends with someone if they don’t want to be in a romantic relationship with you. You’re not entitled to a relationship just because you’re nice to someone.
While this isn’t the happily-ever-after I imagined this story would have, I like this ending to the story. The friends to ‘maybe more to friends’ to friends again story line is something fourteen-year-old me wouldn’t have seen coming, and I do like plot twists. If this experience has taught me anything, it’s that there are more than a couple ways to love.
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