By: Emily Tran
Fear, helplessness, and guilt. When you feel the urge to avoid your friend because of these emotions, it may be the start of a toxic friendship. You may have noticed little signs over the past few days or big red flags over several years.
Often, the first and most obvious sign of an unhealthy relationship is the buildup of negative feelings over long periods of time. For example, toxic friends may use your friendship as an excuse for their destructive behavior. Other common signs of a bad friendship include one-sidedness, obsessiveness, stress, and disrespect.
One-sidedness means you’re the only one who’s putting effort into the friendship and you feel that you’re the only one who cares about it. On the other hand, obsessiveness is when the other person is possessive of you. For example, they may get jealous of who you’re friends with and would want to limit who you’re friends with.
Being stressed or drained when you’re hanging out with that friend can mean a lot of things. If they’re seeking attention constantly or acting like a victim, that can drain your energy often. This can also mean them purposely causing drama between their friends or making up problems so you would listen to them.
The last common sign is them disrespecting you. This can come in many forms, either as a backhanded compliment, verbally making fun of you, or physically abusing you, but all are forms of crossing your boundaries without your permission. For example, if you’re extremely uncomfortable with hugging or physical affection and they do it anyway knowing you dislike it, that’s a sign of disrespect.
Other signs of an unhealthy relationship can be less easily detected, however, they can often be far more severe and have deep-rooted consequences. A friend can be a manipulator, taking advantage of your kindness and ignoring your problems to get what they want. For example, you’re tired of your friend borrowing money from you every month, but they say they really need it this time or they’ll be kicked out of their apartment. They haven’t paid you back for the last few months and you aren’t exactly financially stable, so you hesitate. What do they do? They start crying and they promise you they’ll pay it back as soon as they get back their paycheck. You feel compelled to give in, only for the same situation to happen again a few months later. If this goes on long enough, it’ll wear down on your self-esteem and pave the way to more negative thoughts.
Another tactic toxic friends use is gaslighting, or attempting to manipulate and gain an advantage over someone else by making them doubt themselves. One example is your friend making mean remarks about you constantly and you tell them to stop. They tell you to lighten up and that “you’re too sensitive sometimes”, causing you to believe your weak point is your sensitivity and decide to stay quiet the next time your friend makes fun of you again. Situations like this can lead to believing that you’re the problem instead of your friend, making you easier to control.
If you think your friendship is unhealthy, let it go. If you suspect you’re being manipulated, have a discussion with them first and if both of you can’t come to an understanding, it’s time to end the friendship. What manipulators crave the most is control. By not being emotionally involved, you can take that control away from them. Set boundaries in your relationship and say no to their gaslighting. Ignore them and do not listen to their “advice”.
Many people are physically and mentally drained from their friendships. But they also feel guilty for wanting to end it because their friend may be mentally unstable or in a bad financial situation. Remind yourself that you’re not responsible for your friend’s well being, especially when they’re threatening to harm you. If they keep bothering you to the extent of stalking and threats, save the records and don’t hesitate to go to the police and get a restraining order.
If you don’t want to end the friendship in person, end it with email or a text message. If you decide to do it in person, do not do it while they’re drunk or in a generally unstable mood. Plan out your words and keep it short. After you’ve ended the friendship, your friend might contact you after trying to change your mind. You’ll be tempted to welcome them with open arms, especially if you’ve been friends with them for years. The next step will be difficult but needed: Block them on all platforms.
Focus your time on your hobbies or do busy work as a distraction. The less time you spend thinking about them, the more likely you’ll be able to move on. In time, you’ll realize you made the right choice and how much your life improved without them.
Sources:
https://time.com/5411624/how-to-tell-if-being-manipulated/#:~:text=You%20feel%20fear%2C%20obligation%20and%20guilt&text=%E2%80%9CWhen%20you%20are%20being%20manipulated,to%20do%2C%E2%80%9D%20she%20says.&text=The%20victim%20engenders%20a%20feeling,acts%20hurt%2C%E2%80%9D%20Stine%20says.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201704/are-you-being-manipulated
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/7-signs-youre-in-a-bad-friendship_b_6539630
https://www.bustle.com/articles/161803-11-signs-someone-is-manipulative-to-watch-for-in-any-type-of-relationship
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